Here I want to share an event that surpasses anything I have experienced with Him, when He cleared my heart totally and gave me a new landscape. This happened when I was alone in a room at the Prayer Center in Levanger Sept. 29, 2007, after a time of anxiety and depression, yes I was simply burned out of many things.
This event was sort of greater experience for me than the time when I was saved, or the time I said yes to Jesus. It may sound strange, when there was celebration in heaven, and angels blowing balloons and singing when I was saved. Yes, I joined the party at that time too and it was of course a day when all starts in a way.
I want this story to show that God reach you when you are alone, too. Show that it’s not depends on our performance that He loves us, but we can be allowed to be completely ourselves with all the shortcomings we have, come to God.
God’s presence was so powerful and it cleared up the channel that He want to use to reach me … and he wants to do it with you too.
I have a little problem to figuring out where all start, because when I go back and try to figure out where and when things started, I end up many places. God have been with me all the time. All Bible verses that I have brought in, is given to me when God met me that day, and they are as vivid to me until today.
But a small summary of my life will be like this. I was 42 at that time, I had a marriage with a child involved and a cohabitation with two children involved in my past. I have always enjoyed a good relationship with all my children. In 1993 I was struck down during a job as a security guard and became 50% disabled after this. Fortunately, I have no hatred or any grudge against these perpetrators, and if God made it so, that I didn’t hated them, I believe so. This was even before I became a believer.
I received Jesus as my Lord april. 13, 1998. Although I grew up in a Pentecostal family, it’s always my choice God is looking for. Many things happen after this, yes I can say that I have a more exciting life after I was saved than before, when one tried everything to get a rich and exciting life. I was one of the elder in the church for 6 years. Lord untied me from the cigarette and have given me visions and dreams, but the story I want to tell now is over all dimensions, and I have difficulty to explain, but I’ll try my best.
Thirsty for God!
As I said, I was already burned-out after much concerning and effort of many things to keep me up because of disability. Almost every day I tried to make my self understood with my afflicts. Also many situations and events in the religious life, church life and leadership, lot of rules and limits that can bind a Christian, is also a big factor here. But this have to be another story.
Until for 6 years ago, at the beginning of 2005, I began to feel depressed, heavy and tired. But it should go all the way to middle of 2006 before I was diagnosed
“burned-out”. It felt as if all I did was of duty, there was no joy in what I did anymore. Is supposed to serve the Lord with joy, right? What you do, do it with joy, he says. But I was so far down at the end, that I did not dare to go out and meet people. It happened once that I didn’t dare to go to my mailbox for my mail of 14 days, even the mailbox is only 20 meters from my door. I didn’t even go to the grocery, so the hunger was high and I starved violently. I’ve always been very social?… hmm… why this? Of course was I home from the church as well.
It’s hard to explain what “burnt out” is to those who have not experienced it. I had anxiety and fear, and it came from nowhere, fear was thrown at me, just like that, and I was sweating the way I never had imagined could be possible. My forehead was already red with sweat when I saw myself in the mirror. The thoughts wandered to when Jesus sweated blood in Gethsemane because of strong anxiety. Now, my understanding of the time Jesus had to drink and when he sweated blood, became a large reality for me.
In the end, I was so far down and felt so far from God, that I no longer had prayers to God. But everyday I tried to call my little pathetic shout – GOD! At the evening, I was afraid of not waking up the next day, and when I woke up, I worrying myself for yet another horrible day, and I knew I would go to bed again at night.
– GOD! help me! – was my only prayer. They were like small pitiful crying who disappeared into the darkness. I felt my prayer had no longer power and the darkness engulfed it. «Now, I’m sure this is the end, when you can’t even pray.» I thought. I could cry for hours of despair.
5. Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me.
6. And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then I would fly away, and be a rest.
7. Lo, then would I wander far, and remain in the wilderness. Selah.
I did a trip in January/February ’07 that God drag me to do. The trip went to the Philippines, where I visited an orphanage who was connected to Nordic Mission, and some of their workers. One day, a thought fall into my head, that I should go into fasting and prayer, but I realized that to do this wouldn’t work at home. I must go away! I had earlier read that Nordic Mission had a prayer center in Levanger and it was rooms for rent there. «There I can be in prayer.» I said.
Now, I would get in contact with God, I would go there, fasting and praying all the way until I meet Him. My situation had to turn around! I make a call to Nordic Mission to ask a bit around and book a room. The nice guy in the phone mention that they have prayer-school in three modules, and they would soon start the first module. «Okay,» I thought … «What should I do with that? My idea was to go into fasting and praying.» I as thinking. «But okay, I guess I have certainly benefited from it too,» so I applied myself into “the prayer-school”. But the Prayer-shcool was like a second priority. I would fast and pray, that was my first priority. It shall later show up that the Prayer Center and the school become a source from the Lord, springing up for me.
And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.
I had already a big critical spirit within me the first day at the prayer-school, I was depressed and among many other people. I really didn’t enjoyed it … I just wanted to be alone in my room, fasting and praying. If this not was enough, they began to talk about being intercessor (prayer-man), something I certainly would not be. No, my days is too busy to be that and by the way, this is something to suit better for older women. The second day was like the first, and now they felt the Holy Spirit’s presence too. But me, I felt nothing. I remember I ask myself, «But God, why I do not feel anything? I’m saved too, right? Hello God, I’m here too!» It was as if I stood and knocked on a big iron door into of heaven, but nothing, not even an answer or a little hint that he heard me. In my mind, it was getting even worse, I had not even begun my fasting neither. What I didn’t know, was that the Holy Spirit had already worked through Leif Johnny, the speaker, and what he taught.
He rose the third day.
The third day was so bad and heavy for me, of all this teaching of the man named Leif Johnny, and that everyone else felt the Holy Spirit and but not me. This went so far that I needed to have a talk with Leif Johnny. A man of God, whom I today have become very fond of, but this time I thought he was a lunatic. Yes, so wrong can we have. We would have our converse, but because it was other people before me, I had to wait. He would send me a text message when he was ready. Okay, meanwhile I go to my room I said.
«I went up to my room and sat down on the bed. The life was … no, there was no life left in fact, I might as well give up.» I was going to draw a deep breath and give a sigh from me … Then suddenly, it was as if a dam burst and out of no where, the room was filled by a presence of something I never have experienced, it was so strong, it was the Holy Spirit.
As I have told before, I have cried a lot becouse of anxiety and depression, but this was different, very different. I’ve never cried so much ever, and The Holy Spirit met me as I sat there. And now He started showing me things in my life, incidents where I had been hurt and rejected. He showed me the reasons why I had done things I had done and my sins. He also showed me about other people, why they did things to me and that everything actually comes from; “not having God as the authority in their life.” That God loved me so much that He gave His son for me and that I do not have to perform anything to be loved by God.
He began to tear the walls of my heart, the walls that I had built up through the years to protect myself. I didn’t want the wounds in my heart to be open, so something or someone couldn’t hit me there again. But the Holy Spirit didn’t care so much about it and continued to remove the walls. If He was careful? hmmm … All I can say is, he knows exactly what he is doing. For me, there and then, it was like he used a bulldozer and plowed down everything. It was a bit scary, but I wouldn’t be without it.
Now, I saw myself sit naked on my knees, without clothes, on a plain kind of floor, and nothing else was there. With my head down and hands hanging down, weeping … I had been stripped to the bone, it was no more defense again in me. I was naked and, vulnerable …. ohhh as I cried. When He already had given me pictures and had gave me answers to many of my question, I had to tell Him one thing: «Don’t you dare let me out of here until you have built up new walls on me to defend for my heart.» Then He took the cross that He, Himself had to carry, up into my back, along my spine, and raised me up, planted the cross into the floor I had been sitting on with my knees. Now, I stood there upright with the cross in my back and He says to me: «From today this will be your backbone.»
And the Spirit entered unto me when he spake unto me, and set me upon my feet, that I heard Him that spake unto me.
I ask Him many questions … where?, who?, why?, what? … yes I asked questions of all shapes that I could think of. When one gets a revelation of the truth, it’s probably quite natural to ask where I have been the past 10 years as saved. Like “where have I been”, “Have I ever been saved?” “Which teaching have I been sitting under?” I didn’t get any answer of these questions, but these questions He gave me bit by bit while I walking with Him. But all the other questions were answered at the same time I asked them. I didn’t have to wait for them. I do now have a conversation with him, and I tried to put sentences and questions in different angles to illuminate things. He responded with the truth in a moment. It is a strange experience, but still quite real.
The entire episode is in progress for about two hours. I wandered back and forth, lay down in my bed, went into the bathroom, blowing my trumpet (nose), sitting on the bed, etc., and all the time I was in the conversation with him.
When I sit there, on the edge of my bed and in a way finish lot of questions, (unless I knew it then), I took a look down on my pillow where my Bible was. With a flowing of light, from the Bible, I hear with my own ears, he say: «I am the life.»
Previously, He spoke to me through images and inner voice, but this was in an audible voice. I grab my Bible and begin to kiss and cuddle on it … suddenly I stop and think, «This must look really stupid, an adult playing like this?», but I couldn’t resist and throw me on the Bible again and continue to kiss it, and I said loudly and clearly «I LOVE YOU JESUS!» Like a reflector gives back the light, He answers me in an audible form, «I LOVE YOU FRANK!» Woww … I was speechless … it went right into my heart. It was like a bucket of warm oil, balm…, was pour out on my heart and washed … yes Love all over my heart.
I lay down on the bed, and while I was laying there, I felt the Holy Spirit come into me from the waist and up inside of me. He was twisting around and around in me, he rejoices in there and I could almost feel the bulges on my body where He was. I began to laugh and cheer … this was such a strong pleasure and well-being that I couldn’t hold back if I would … but I wouldn’t of course 🙂 He embalmed me inside, in every room, all wounds and hurted place. My heart became so nice and soft again. And now He takes me into my heart …. farther and farther in, where no man can reach.
People have said that I can be a profound person, one who philosophize, but this go deeper than everything we regard as deep. I can now see a place inside my heart, it’s just me Jesus‘ heart. Only I know is that here can no man reach.
The place where I am, had different landscape as I turn and look around. In the middle of the place was a cross I could go anytime as needed, but I had a strong feeling that He wants me to continue, further from the cross and further toward into His kingdom. The cross is the one goal to reach, of course, we must all come to the cross and be cleansed, but He will not allow me to stand there. I could run there when ever I wanted, because I have got the entrance. He want me to continue into the landscape he has created for me, in there, my heart.
At the cross there is a big rock where I sit together with Jesus, we do not need to talk, just that he’s there is enough. I can take him in His hand and we can walk together. Now I take Him with me out in the most beautiful meadow I have ever seen, full of beautiful wild flowers. I guess I’m fond of flowers and this is precisely what he knows, my creator …. hehehe, we run and dance and we did a somersault together in the meadow, I have become a kid again, Frank, His son. Ohhh what a truth and joy it is, we are His children and He wants us to be it.
Verily I say unto you. Whosoever shall not receive the Kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.
My wings were broken, but now I got new wings as well. I flew together with the Holy Spirit and He always had his face on mine, no matter how I turned me around as I flew. I flew up side down, up and down, forward or backward , but His countenance never departed from my face. Thank God, that I now can be your child. I wept for joy, oh dear God, will I never stop crying? «Thank you, Lord Jesus, I love you», was my new prayers now. I felt like Paul, when he sang the praises and was delivered from prison.
There was much more I saw, too, but then I stood still and looking around. I find that the walls, which really are not walls whom limit the spot, not bright but dark red. I stand to see …. Now I discover that the walls are the walls of God’s heart. I have come so far in my own heart that I’m actually in the heart of God. I saw the walls moving … I saw the pulses of God’s heart. I took my hand on my own heart and…, yes … yes … it beats… it beats the same as His heart … we are in tune! Oh, dear God, My Father … Daddy! I have now came home, we are in step!
I have never ever felt a kind of love like this, no, not as powerful as this. He showed me so many truths in the form of pictures and understandings, that I could have laid it down on a football field. I tell you, that I could write a lot about this things, but some is private, some was also about other people in my life. But there was never any condemnations. That puzzled me greatly, how it was possible to show so much without condemnation. Yes, it is only God who can do it. All he showed me, I got a new love and it is only God who can do it that way.
A new life
The Prayer Center was like a turntable in my life where God put me and shaped me… again. Lord’s source of life. This has helped me a lot in the family and my work. I believe that the Prayer Center is set there by God, and we should bless what He has given us.
And that’s what’s so nice, to receive God’s love into the heart, you will not be jealous. I can say that Jesus loves you, but I am the apple of His eye, He is mine only, without you being jealous. This because you know it’s so with you. 😉
Today I have become, of all things that I didn’t want to be, an intercessor (prayer-man).
I still “cry” easily today too, but out of love and gratitude, out of what God have put into me. I don’t cry because of depression or anxiety anymore. I am secure in myself, I had taken back my life and I dare to experience God in his own way. Every day in the morning I seek Him, He first!
Thanks to the Divine, God, Jesus His Son and the Holy Spirit, who are the being of God. Thanks to Nordic Mission and Prayer-school and my church, who all have been a part of it all. Love you all!